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Fairy tales for children tell us that snow-white, Rubunzel, the little mermaid found a prince. In all those stories there was a mischievous person overlooking the heroes trying to destroy the relationships and take advantage of them. However, at the end of the stories we usually hear ….. and lived happily every after. This is nearly the beginning of every person’s love life. Everybody starts with an ideal and tries to make it real. Where are those ideals though coming from?
This question has been theorised by many great psychologists in different ways. Some of them say that love is nothing more than a simple story which we create and we are the heroes. By saying a story it is meant that we are living a relationship with a beginning a middle and an ending, it has a plot and many other subplots. The stories are created either from ideals; fairy tales, from what we have seen from our families, from what we hear from other people, from television, literature and all our surroundings. However, in a relationship we are going not only with the ideals that we have in our head but also with our own personality, previous experiences and our needs and wants. Therefore, as we can obviously see, though many relationships start with the best intentions at the beginning -the story sounds to be magnificent- after some time the same story can be heard by the same person and sound terrible. The reason to that is that either the plot has now changed, and we had an addition to the script or those people in the relationship have been removed from being a couple and go back to the “me” abandoning the “we”. Usually during that period we start looking for the one who is right in the relationship and we forget that we can communicate and learn from each other and do something about it.
One of the ideals that many people have is that love and relationship is only the honey–moon period; meaning having the butterflies, dreaming that life with this person is always exciting and accompanied with the sound of “I am in heaven”. Unfortunately this though it might be the idyllic has nothing to do with reality. Reality involves making a home, establishing traditions and values, having a family, childrearing, taking care about the economic issues and of course keep having friends and a broader community around us. All these issues of course do not happen instantly but can take long time. For instance a couple in their mid-20s learns many things during the same period. The main one is becoming independent from the parents in all ways (leaving home, taking care of economic issues etc) and this is also the period that many people welcome marriage. This is quite a struggle when we are leaving the customs of our own family and moving on to create a family with another person. However as we are accompanied by enthusiasm this period is usually exciting.
I am not going to analyze the couple’s life cycle here but I would like to suggest that we must not stop to communicate and not to forget that relationships are constantly changing as we individuals do change through time but also our needs and expectations of life change as well. Sometimes, for unknown or known reasons we stop self-disclosing and communicating in our relationships. This, as time goes by, draws us further away from each other and at the end we live with people that we do not recognise any more. Do not forget that what makes us couples is our desire for closeness.
Marina Zanetti
Counsellor Psychotherapist
This question has been theorised by many great psychologists in different ways. Some of them say that love is nothing more than a simple story which we create and we are the heroes. By saying a story it is meant that we are living a relationship with a beginning a middle and an ending, it has a plot and many other subplots. The stories are created either from ideals; fairy tales, from what we have seen from our families, from what we hear from other people, from television, literature and all our surroundings. However, in a relationship we are going not only with the ideals that we have in our head but also with our own personality, previous experiences and our needs and wants. Therefore, as we can obviously see, though many relationships start with the best intentions at the beginning -the story sounds to be magnificent- after some time the same story can be heard by the same person and sound terrible. The reason to that is that either the plot has now changed, and we had an addition to the script or those people in the relationship have been removed from being a couple and go back to the “me” abandoning the “we”. Usually during that period we start looking for the one who is right in the relationship and we forget that we can communicate and learn from each other and do something about it.
One of the ideals that many people have is that love and relationship is only the honey–moon period; meaning having the butterflies, dreaming that life with this person is always exciting and accompanied with the sound of “I am in heaven”. Unfortunately this though it might be the idyllic has nothing to do with reality. Reality involves making a home, establishing traditions and values, having a family, childrearing, taking care about the economic issues and of course keep having friends and a broader community around us. All these issues of course do not happen instantly but can take long time. For instance a couple in their mid-20s learns many things during the same period. The main one is becoming independent from the parents in all ways (leaving home, taking care of economic issues etc) and this is also the period that many people welcome marriage. This is quite a struggle when we are leaving the customs of our own family and moving on to create a family with another person. However as we are accompanied by enthusiasm this period is usually exciting.
I am not going to analyze the couple’s life cycle here but I would like to suggest that we must not stop to communicate and not to forget that relationships are constantly changing as we individuals do change through time but also our needs and expectations of life change as well. Sometimes, for unknown or known reasons we stop self-disclosing and communicating in our relationships. This, as time goes by, draws us further away from each other and at the end we live with people that we do not recognise any more. Do not forget that what makes us couples is our desire for closeness.
Marina Zanetti
Counsellor Psychotherapist
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